the smell of bitter almonds...

"the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love" said the great Marquez.. 

and as I read that line, I think I just fell in love with the book(love in the times of cholera)

As the trees shed their leaves here amidst the onset of winters, the dryness in the air reminds me of those unfulfilled stories.. in a very bitter-sweet way of course...

Somehow I believe only the desire and longing makes for this magic, those great stories.. 

the lonesome walks with the iPod and suddenly getting the apt songs on the shuffle.. the helpless smile.. and being alone in a foreign country adds to the effect .. (Oh yeah, I am as cheesy as it gets! :) )

And somehow if I think, I see a pattern in all my blog posts.. (Besides the lack of creativity and overtly cheesiness as one might say)..

The present intertwined with the past.. the chancing upon the dormant memories.. amidst rain, snow or the fall and sometimes the scorching sun..

and then someone once said, why do we want to see the pattern, just be..

be it those late night calls from the pitch drunk friends telling me how they miss me, recollecting the college days.. or co incidently running into an old "close friend" as we might say now.. ha ha.. how could life be as interesting without those magical moments..

Not that I love to live in the past, in eternal nostalgia... but reminiscing those magical moments once in a while has its own charm.. that's my escape from the present.. 

and while one might say it isn's right..
but then, my world is perfect in its imperfect way... :-)

Rains, Tea and some old forgotten songs..

Its 1O' clock in the night. the fact that tomorrow is Friday is enough to keep me happy tonite. Getting hotter everyday here. I mean it is not "Hot-Hot" as it is in India, but you still wait for the rains. just like one does in India. to bring down the heat.. the same cycle. u want rains and then sometimes u hate it.. the sudden burst on the way to office, stuck in that traffic.. irritated..

But more often than not, i love the rains. they bring in the scent of romance with them. just like the long drives and disheveled hair. just like the scented candles and tipsy eyes.
And so does this song somehow that is playing in an infinite loop. Calgary, by Bon iver.
Sometimes u tend to revel in the idea of romance. Anyways. 

14 months in Canada, perhaps 5-6 more months to go. Some more months of cooking and cleaning. and exploring new songs and often getting back to the old forgotten ones.. lets get back to Dido, Sands in my shoes. But strangely, I don't have any sands in my shoes. I am as empty as one could be..well. lets change the song. 
Thank You by Dido! :)

The weather channel has broken the suspense. It tells me it would rain the entire week. I might need to stock some more Tea for such moments and get hold of some movies. 
and perhaps write another blog. 
just write. like i just did! :-)

Life, Happiness, Death, etc.

Disclaimer - Random, incoherent thoughts.. scribbled down.. might not make any sense. or they might. u never know. :-) 

 So, I saw something very closely that I was most scared of - Death. And it happened right in front of my eyes. I saw my Naani's heartbeats going down steadily and doctors doing the CPR to somehow resurrect them.. sadly, all in vain..it was a painful moment. for the entire family.

I know it is insensitive to write about such personal incidents, and I am not going to write about it. But I mentioned it since such incidents always make you introspective.

And It did make me question a few things.. 

I had planned my itinerary to every minutest detail, made very strong hopes about new developments.. and practically it all went down for a toss. everything nose-dived. But then, it all happened so fast that it is just now that I could sink it all in..

Anyways!

There is this incident that I still remember from my flight back to Calgary.. I mean I was tired and sad to be leaving with all plans and hopes going haywire.. and then I meet this chap from Calgary.. Edward.. 

This chap had been to India for Skiing in Gulmarg.. and quite to my embarrassment, he was assuring me of safety in that area. Pity! So, there was this Canadian fella 55 yrs old and I was like this chap traveled all the way to India to ski for a couple of weeks and then going back. Isnt that exactly what I want when I am 55? To travel to another country and be fit enough to ski!!

The person on the other side is this Indian chap-Debasish, overly sentimental, who somehow made his way from Calcutta to Canada to be a Cook in some small Restraunt in Edmonton.. listening to "O Sathi re" in full volume on his cell-fone.. and arguing with the air-hostesses for an extra glass of Vodka.. I was quite frankly- and more so since coming from Delhi- was more interesting in talking with this chap from Gulmarg.. 

and then Debasish brings out a small note from his 2 daughters.. about how they miss their father..the personal incidents.. (and that letter was one of the most beautiful things I read ever)

and that letter made me change sides. I chose Deb.. and then he talks about how he misses his family.. and so on.. (U know the typical Indian senti talk! :) )  

(Oh well that chap from Canada did argue a bit about how can one love the same person for more than 10-15 yrs. and I am not stereotyping here or making it up but then, he saw that letter and gave up his arguments.. )

and I thought to myself again, "isn't this what I want to be when I am 55!"  To have a wife who wont eat properly until she knows I reached safely.. Children who hide letters in my wallet and then tell me about it when I am just about to board the flight!! 

and well. to add a little more sugar to this overly-sweet. hyper-romantic post, let me end this with something my Canadian colleague's 7 yr old son told her and she posted it on FB -

"Happiness is not something fun that you do, or places you go... it's an inside feeling."

THE BIG FAT PUNJABI WEDDING VIDEOS! :D

"Oye Sunny tune meri shadi ki cassette dekhi?" exclaims one of my relatives every once in a while, knowing completely well that I have managed to sit through that entire thing at least 4-5 times earlier. 

And you know what, I have been going through the same charade for last 20 odd years.. Right from my Massis to my Mamis to cousins to even my mom, everyone wants you to watch the same cassette/CD over and over again. And we so gladly do it, don't we?

And we all know that there would be "Baharon Phool Barsaao, mera mehboob aaya hai" at the entry of the girl..(believe me that moment, the girl is the princess, no matter who it is :-) ) and then there would be the rest of the repetitive play-list.. ending aptly with "Babul ki Duaen leti ja.. ja tujhko sukhi sansar mile" and we can't help noticing the bride crying watching the same scene every time she watches it on CD..

And well, the others who are made to watch the Video are more concerned abt the fact that they look good in the video.. praying that their plates are not heaped up with food while they were captured.

I am sure there isn't a bigger moment in anyone's life, or shall I say, an Indian's life than their wedding. I am sure every girl would have painted a picture of what kind of lehanga she would wear.. where she would get her make up done.. or even the matching dress for the groom.. And I am sure she would smile every time she thinks about it. 

And well, the wedding is a huge affair specially marked with some Mamaji or Buaji getting angry for not having got their share of attention.. or someone getting drunk and making a silly spectacle.. Oh, it is all fine. We all need a little drama, don't we?.. We are all fine with it! :-)

And there are some sad scenes of a girl fainting while carrying the 40-kg heavy dress with loads of jewelry and sitting through those traditional chores that go on for hours together.. and well the video has its share of item numbers too, dances by cute little cousins or sisters, some prepared while others impromptu and the oh-so-famous baaraati dances where some drunk uncle suddenly realized his dancing talents and pounces on the arena with his famous Nagin dance moves accompanied by yet another equally or more enthusiastic dancer who pretends to be a snake charmer...

So, overall, no matter how many classic movies you might watch, no matter how emotional you might get, call your first date as heavenly, call your first kiss as a milestone, but nothing can beat your wedding date. Especially if you're a Punjabi.. :-)

Well, the times have changed. We got the songs replaced in the video CDs, the videos are much better quality, artistically shot, we have dances with better choreography, lesser angry mamajis or chachajis.. and lesser food on the plates thanks to the calorie conscious new-age aunty-jis.. 

But I'm sure the girls still  get goosebumps thinking about their wedding, the guys still care to make their Bride feel special and secretly hope they can match up with the woman who looks heavenly on that day.. and the vidaais still end up with an ocean of tears.. 

Ah, well, it might go on and on. But I'd rather end it here.. and end it with one of the most romantic songs of the yesteryear's Marriage Video's era.. "Suhaagrat hai ghunghat utha raha hun main, Simat rahi hai tu sharma ke apni bahon main.. "  (thats what the guys care abt eh?) ;-)

That Moment...

and she was one in a million. Unperturbed. Uncorrupted. and so pure.

Calm n Composed. With those deep eyes.with a look that told that she knew it all.

Yeah, She was aware. She knew what he wanted. She knew what he thought.

She was focused. she was there. right there. with him. for ever.

She had no hidden motive. She had no games to play.

She smiled. and her eyes sparkled. Oh, she knew it all!

and he was left breathless. It was a moment. Just a moment.

and the moment just stayed with him. forever.

and he was a different person. since then.

He was in love. Oh yeah, He was in Love...

.. to be continued..

The world according to Mr. Manaktala!

So here is the deal. I decide the topic and I have no clue what I am gonna write about. Hope I scribble something meaningful today. or else, as usual, the post would end up being in the drafts. Anyways. Who am I writing for? Myself! Do I really care? Nope. So lets post this gibberish today anyways, whatever I end up with!! :-)

Ok, anyways. for the record. I love Calgary. and I have realized that I love Calgary despite having to cook everyday and wash those utensils with tough stains(Ok, I admit here that I've been exploiting my roomie by acting tired and sad and making him fix most of the meals) but anyways, I love Calgary.

Picture this. And well, it is not to make anyone jealous. Every morning there is an anticipation of snow. Every morning. And It almost makes up for not waking up next to some girl who I would love. Well..lets not get there!

and watching it snow is beautiful. I do not remember how it would have felt watching my first rain or the first stroke of lightening.. but I distinctly remember the first snowfall. and it felt heavenly.

And there is a river that flows next to my apartment. and there is a beautiful garden adjacent to it.. I have seen the trees from being lush green to getting crimson red to yellow and now leafless.. U know what call me a hypocrite, but honestly in India, I could hardly appreciate nature.. Do we see trees anywhere around us? I mean I love India.. more than anything but seriously man, those makeshift gardens or colonies with a few random trees thrown in here or there.. Nope, My dear! that isn't nature! :-)

And I wish, the calm in the atmosphere here just remains with me for a long time. The air is so relaxed here. Someone in India just put us on a Hi-speed mode and we forgot to realize the pleasure in that Calmness, that laid back attitude.. the relaxation, having nothing to do.. "Dil dhoondta hai phir wahi fursat ke rat din.." (that's the song am listening to right now) :)

and lets end the crappy blog right here.. i want to write about something else now..

I want to walk in the nights here in Calgary at -45°C.. I want to travel to obscure villages just to have a tea at a random kiosk.. exploring the most beautiful spot in any town I am in.. driving to unknown places while listening to the most amazin songs, smiling and dreaming at the same time.. learn new art forms.. languages, movies, instruments, new sports.. and perhaps, get back to those dance classes someday.. watch the weather change the colors of leaves in yet another town.. fall in love with someone I can witness all this.. in some other city.. so much man, so much.. 

And yess.. along with all this, I still wish the person I get eventually in my life helps me in cooking and washing those utensils.. U gotta be practical, eh! :P

confessions of an adoloscent photographer..

Let me start with an oft repeated cliche' that says "Beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder". Well, never ever has that made more sense to me than now after I got my hands on this camera. Like every photography enthusiast, I bought it since I like traveling and now I feel I travel, perhaps, because I have a camera. In any case, I am loving it. Every bit of it. Right from getting the settings right to the framing/composition part.

And perhaps it is just a part of it, a miniscule part that too. Whats more exciting is that sometimes a good picture can add so much more life and vigor in an otherwise a mundane or an ordinary subject.
Every picture is your own creation. You get a complete freedom to choose your subject or the settings. And every picture says a story. Or, shall I say, every picture taken with utmost love and care says a story.

A camera needs a lot of personal attention. You might, perhaps, miss out on enjoying the place while you are busy clicking the pictures, but, in a way, aren't we seeing the the same place, through the eyes of the camera and with much more care and intricacy. Sometimes, finer details and nuances about a place or a person that we tend to overlook come to life with a camera. I wonder how many times I would have loved the smell of the earth when it rained but with a camera you tend to add another dimension to that heavenly feeling when those tiny water droplets on the blades of grass astound you. A camera makes you observe and observe in the real sense.

It is completely meditational. You forget everything else and just immerse yourselves in that subject, be it a river, or a person or something as ordinary as a pebble. I used to hear these photographers talk about aesthetic sense and how much beauty is hidden in this world and all you need is a keen eye. Now, it all makes sense. Every bit of it.

And frankly I do realize that I have a long way to go. Like every art, photography takes its own sweet time to develop within you. And I like it that ways. I like walking the harder path to salvation. And to me my salvation in photography lies not in winning some contests or putting up pictures on social networking sites which is liked by many.

To me, a victory is as simple as making an ordinary things look good. To make a person fall in love his picture. To get the real beauty of the place on my pictures. To feel that I have done justice to the subject.

And perhaps, most importantly, my salvation in photography lies in deciphering the real beauty in everything I see. ..

losing my religion -2

It is actually futile to define what u want out of life. or what is it all about. I have walked almost on every street this city has(yes, I have walked a lot) and all I wanted at that moment was to just keep walking. out of the set of constraints I was born in. where I have defined what life needs to be like. drew boundaries to what it needs to be like. out here, I just came out of those boundaries. and I didnt want to define them again.

and somehow I dont care what the city looks like. what monuments or sight seeing it has to offer. All I want out of my city is that it challenges me. A Challenge to start my life all over again. with making new friends to getting to know the routes. Learning the new language to getting used to the weather. My travel is more inwards.

and Calgary has been all that and much more to me. I wake up every day with a new resolve. that today I would work better. that today I would finally find an accomodation and make some friend who could be my roomie. haven't been successful but the city gives me hope. It keeps me going.

Life is good as long as I have this inner drive to make new beginnings. coz the dreams shatter. coz the world we make around ourselves comes down at the slightest blow of wind sometimes.

Well.. sometimes, it feels while you keep drifting, that there should be an anchorage. the 'theherav". but then, you can't ask for things in your life. let them happen to you. ..

till then keep moving. stay inquisitive and hungry for experiences. stay curious!

:-)

Losing my religion!

I am sure nothing can replace traveling to unknown places. U can never capture the essence in pics. You can never talk about it and convey the exact emotions. and why would u want to? this experience is something which becomes an intrinsic part of you. While u might want to share the feeling with your loved ones, you also want to treasure a lot of it for yourselves alone. Unless someone dear comes, stays with you and goes through the same experience, which would be heavenly. But then, doing it all alone has a different flavor to it.

So, a week here in Calgary, a place as alien as it could have been and now a week later, it feels so much like home. I remember the apprehensions I had the first day I landed at the airport when the immigration officer said,"So Sir, your Work Permit expires on 24th Oct 2012, but I'm sure once u see the winters here, you're gonna go back much before that date!" Well, let me put the facts straight right away. it get really cold here. and by that I mean it could touch -40 degrees. Yes, you read that right. and coming from India where it was +45 degree, I'm in for some real adventure! Bring it on, Mr. God! :-)

more later.. processin. . . :-)

the Karma confessions!

Ahh. So another day of doubting my genuine nature. Am I doing it right? Am I living the right way? and what is the right way? who is to judge? who is to decide? What is the absolute truth? Ah. whatever.

I think my Karma is screwed up somewhere. Somehow things don't set right. Something goes
wrong somewhere. There is a hindu faith in destiny and good deeds that you wud get what u deserve and whats written in the stars. And there is my faith is fighting for what you want. Not letting the things that you aspire for from all your heart go away. and am not giving up my fight for sure.

So, what am I talkin abt? What essentially I am talkin abt is that how long would I keep fighting for something that I deserve. Is it that my bad Karma keeps me away from it? Then I believe, I should channelize the energies to the right direction. Better get my Karma in place before I go for the fight. or rather fight to get Karma in order, before anything.

and this confuses me more than anything, and when nothing works, lets get back to what does everytime. lets get back to inner conscience. Lets get back to the one up there. Mr. God am coming home to you tomm. no other go! :-)

27 years..

Time flies by..
U blink and an entire phase of you life has just unfolded right in front of you..
and what it leaves is a few pleasant memories, and some unfulfilled dreams..
and some interesting people you meet along the way..
songs, movies and the moments.. the rains and the drizzles. and much more..

A life isn't just your own. it isn't to be decided... It never is decided..
I am not here to encapsulate the years gone by. No one ever could perhaps do so..
I am not here with a particular motive.. I am here to write and wish the words flow like the way they did while I was a lot younger.. I wish I had more wetness. more to say..
But I am not here to pity myself either.

Have I been happy the way things have gone by?
Who am I to decide? I have stayed true to my instincts. I haven't tried beyond reason to achieve anythin, nor did I give up somethin for no reason at all..

I want to join the dots for the years gone by.. I want to see the beautiful pattern a life lived with a heart and wonderful people around makes..
I have no idea what made me the person I am. and I am not gettin into the material gains.
I have no idea if I am doing the right thing. or I have a pure heart.
I just know that I want to do the right thing, to have a pure heart. to love and be loved. and perhaps a desire might make me achieve that.

I don't believe in karma. I dont know what it means. I am not doing what I am for any Karma or perhaps because of it... I am just a believer in people. I dont have anyone in mind. but everyone...

So, as 27th year goes by.. lemme take an opportunity to congratulate myself for having lived a life as vivid as I have and earned the faith and love of such wonderful people that i have..
and also to have hung on in testing times. and given up sometimes..
and being hungry for new experiences. and sometimes just too satiated.
and much more.
lets not get into writing those imaginary lines. lets just end it right here.
Happy Birthday Sanil! :-)

life and travel and some beautiful people..

A blog entry is a big task sometimes. You live some days in slumber and then when you write you try to find something substantial to hit you. But nothin does. All that comes are those insipid, dry details.
And the problem with me is that I know I am getting boring.
But I couldnt not write a post this time. Been to a trip to the north. 8 places in a span of 8 days and thousands of new people. and many older ones too. From Hyd to Delhi to Ambala to Yamunanagar to Haridwar to Rishikesh, Saharanpur to Surajkund. This was the itinerary.

I love travel. I love people I meet while I travel. I like the strangers I notice. I like the unknown raods I traverse. I love the different taste of water... the different scent in the air.
I love the way people behave differently in different places.. and the variations in the way they speak..

I still remember from this trip the walk along with banks of Ganga(Prefer Ganga to Ganges)
The freshness in the air and the sting of cold when I took those early morning dips to cleanse my sins.. :)
Mahakumbh is a speactacle. It is an experience you gotta see in your lifetime. Lakhs of devotees chanting the same arti, thousands of diyas in the river..
People lost in the prayers. People acutually lost.. (Remember old Hindi Lost & Found Movies- Yes the same kumbh ke mele ke bichde bhai!) Announcements all the time - "Bacchu pandey apne bhai Dukhi Prasad se stall ke pass milein". :)

Travelling in Buses is fun too. more so in winter mornings. When the buses creak and make all those sounds and when the windows are partially broken and let the cold air in and you try to plug the gap with some paper and cover ur head somehow to get some sleep.. But feels romantic only in retrospect :)

Meeting old friends and relatives. Wonderful! People grow but the way I associate with them remains the same. Revisited the places where I used to hang out in my childhood. The same old shops. With a different guy at the counter but the pastries taste the same. The roads have lesser potholes, but there is still the same temple at the end of it. Some relatives get so old that they cant hug you the same way they did.. Some kids have taken their place. They talk to you so cute and sleep on your shoulders and you can never forget that warmth...

I take my earlier words back. Life is wonderful!
I am in love again! With life.. aahh..

The lives I have lost..

You know what, the plans dont work.. changed my job. changed the place. IBM now, not Satyam anymore.. Hyderabad, not Chennai...

But nothing hasn't changed much.. I mean besides a heftier paycheck at the end of the month and the lonesome lunches.. I miss the people I had in my previous company. Each relationship that was there.. the people are alive, the relationships dead.

I mean no matter how connected we get, mobiles phones, mails, blogs and what not.. nothing would replace the warmth of seeing someone the first time in the day, everyday.. that is love..

that is life..

I wonder sometimes why do I feel the urge to uproot myself every once in a while. Am I addicted to this pain. Am I addicted to this rediscovering myself from the scratch everytime.

But then..

And believe me the first things that come to my mind when I get alone and introspective.. are the people I have hurt all through my life.. I have killed so many relationships.. have hurt many of those. and I believe that leaves a soreness in each of them..

and apologizing is a selfish thing. I would be relieved but I am sure it doesnt make much of a difference.. I have tried it in the past.. but people are suspicious. they try to find the hidden motives..

But I am gonna try it again.. I am going to say sorry once again.

And believe me people. I REALLY AM SORRY!

To sir with love!

Song - Jane kitne dino ke bad, gali main aaj chand nikla!

The song completely describes the mood. . .

Have been sad, morose, bored, dejected over the last few months. This state is a welcome change. :)

Woke up with a smile on my face today. After a nice dream. . One of those days, when you just dont forget the dream. The dream lives on for next few hours. And sometimes for the next few days.. Actually, yesterday was a day when I did actually sleep without any thought bugging me.

So yes when I woke up, the dream lingered, the dream where I was in my old school. The school which I left in 1st standard and have not been to that place since then. My next trip is to that small town in remote UP to visit my school. Anyways, on waking up the best thing I got was to see "To Sir with love" on TV!! Sidney Poitier! The students. I had always wanted to see the characters in real life (well, almost) after reading the book, but never actually got a chance. This was magical. the school in the dream and this movie!

And it was drizzling outside. Soulfully! and the weather so perfect!(reminds me of Daffodils poem!)

Life came back after a while. but came back in its best form!

I am in love again!! :)

so the next song now - Pehla nasha pehla khumar.

kar lu main kya apna haal, ae dil-e-bekaraar. . . la la la

- chalo need to go out and soak in the drizzle a bit more.

the revolutionary road

Are you special? Are you talented? Are you genuine? read some forward in my Gmail.
Well...
Though it went straight to the trash, brought back the same feelings which "the revolutionary road" evoked in me.

"Our whole existence here is based on this great premise that we're special. They we're superior to the whole thing. But we're not. We're just like everyone else! We bought into the same, ridiculous delusion. That we have to resign from life and settle down the moment we have children. And we've been punishing each other for it. "
this is one of those lines in the movie that I was able to relate to so much...

Slowly and steadily though, with all these reality checks and the subsequent doubts that creep in, I am coming closer to what I am than what i think myself to be.
Now, to flatter myself, I could claim, that very few of us manage to get to know themselves!

So, I am special in a way ;)

ye manzilen, ye raste...

a few soulful chats. a few good songs. a few crushes. some good movies. a few pats in the office.
a few moments of loneliness. a few tears in the rains. a few sleepless nights. some broken dreams.
some strange faces become familiar. some faces become memories.. some remember, some try to forget. some forget. some forgotten.
a person from the past starts hurting. it isnt just a memory anymore.
love isnt just the present. love isnt just an emotion.
dreams drive for a few days. the meloncholy lasts forever. a few close friends do stay close though.
a hope might seem so hollow. a mirage. keeps you alive. kept me alive.
am alive and will be. till I die..

sapnon se bhare naina..

a long and tiring journey..

7 days in america

well.. I'd be exaggerating if I say it is a feeling "out of the world". I had better a feeling sometimes, far better, listening to songs while munching somosas in the rain while in hostel.. dreaming endlessly about someone.. drinking and laughing for hours with people I have been with..

But this is good too. You walk on the streets with complete anonymity. as some migratory bird. as some restless wanderer in search of himself. as someone just walking pointlessly, sometimes. You can play so many people at the same time. coz you are out of the set of co-ordinates you have been living into. so you dont know how to behave here. so you dont behave. you just be. :) You walk with a beautiful smile on your face since you know that you have always imagined this world too. you have been here and so many other places...

this is good since it brings to fore so many dormant dreams and desires and peps you up for the coming life. I believe there is a connection between the extent you can dream about and the amount of travel you do..

staying alone in a cute little town in the southwest america, I get similar feelings and so many others. like a boy who's just learnt riding bicycle and thats the only thing that drives him throughout the day. thats all he waits to do. I am riding my bicycle 24*7. :) (time being)

survivor!

the battle lasted for years. for years they had fought and when the last post was captured, he was the only man alive. had lost so many he had loved in the battle.
he had only dreamt of this. right from childhood this scene was what gave him courage to shy away from evrything his friends indulged into. and now he was seeing it happening right in front of his eyes.

the entire world was celebrating his achievement. he was given a hero's welcome.

he had a girl who he loved and left her with a promise to be back alive and as always, he had kept his promise, but just the girl wasn't perfect. she was a bit too human. she could not bear the loneliness.. leaving him lonely for the entire life.
he had a mother who always loved him and still loved him. she was also deprived of the son for years facing the cold and heat alone..
he had so many friends who had missed him in their celebrations.. who were so proud of him and always boasted of him being their friend, but they just couldn't strike warmth after such a long gap.

his dream! his dream was still realised. the country had won the battle.

he had grown gray and old and was too tired for another battle and he was misfit for other worldly things.

there was another battle to be fought now and more intense than any other... to be alive..
and he lived on with a smile on his face, because the national hero wasn't supposed to cry!
he was a fighter in the real sense..
we all love such people, don't we??
ha!