The lives I have lost..

You know what, the plans dont work.. changed my job. changed the place. IBM now, not Satyam anymore.. Hyderabad, not Chennai...

But nothing hasn't changed much.. I mean besides a heftier paycheck at the end of the month and the lonesome lunches.. I miss the people I had in my previous company. Each relationship that was there.. the people are alive, the relationships dead.

I mean no matter how connected we get, mobiles phones, mails, blogs and what not.. nothing would replace the warmth of seeing someone the first time in the day, everyday.. that is love..

that is life..

I wonder sometimes why do I feel the urge to uproot myself every once in a while. Am I addicted to this pain. Am I addicted to this rediscovering myself from the scratch everytime.

But then..

And believe me the first things that come to my mind when I get alone and introspective.. are the people I have hurt all through my life.. I have killed so many relationships.. have hurt many of those. and I believe that leaves a soreness in each of them..

and apologizing is a selfish thing. I would be relieved but I am sure it doesnt make much of a difference.. I have tried it in the past.. but people are suspicious. they try to find the hidden motives..

But I am gonna try it again.. I am going to say sorry once again.

And believe me people. I REALLY AM SORRY!

To sir with love!

Song - Jane kitne dino ke bad, gali main aaj chand nikla!

The song completely describes the mood. . .

Have been sad, morose, bored, dejected over the last few months. This state is a welcome change. :)

Woke up with a smile on my face today. After a nice dream. . One of those days, when you just dont forget the dream. The dream lives on for next few hours. And sometimes for the next few days.. Actually, yesterday was a day when I did actually sleep without any thought bugging me.

So yes when I woke up, the dream lingered, the dream where I was in my old school. The school which I left in 1st standard and have not been to that place since then. My next trip is to that small town in remote UP to visit my school. Anyways, on waking up the best thing I got was to see "To Sir with love" on TV!! Sidney Poitier! The students. I had always wanted to see the characters in real life (well, almost) after reading the book, but never actually got a chance. This was magical. the school in the dream and this movie!

And it was drizzling outside. Soulfully! and the weather so perfect!(reminds me of Daffodils poem!)

Life came back after a while. but came back in its best form!

I am in love again!! :)

so the next song now - Pehla nasha pehla khumar.

kar lu main kya apna haal, ae dil-e-bekaraar. . . la la la

- chalo need to go out and soak in the drizzle a bit more.

the revolutionary road

Are you special? Are you talented? Are you genuine? read some forward in my Gmail.
Well...
Though it went straight to the trash, brought back the same feelings which "the revolutionary road" evoked in me.

"Our whole existence here is based on this great premise that we're special. They we're superior to the whole thing. But we're not. We're just like everyone else! We bought into the same, ridiculous delusion. That we have to resign from life and settle down the moment we have children. And we've been punishing each other for it. "
this is one of those lines in the movie that I was able to relate to so much...

Slowly and steadily though, with all these reality checks and the subsequent doubts that creep in, I am coming closer to what I am than what i think myself to be.
Now, to flatter myself, I could claim, that very few of us manage to get to know themselves!

So, I am special in a way ;)

ye manzilen, ye raste...

a few soulful chats. a few good songs. a few crushes. some good movies. a few pats in the office.
a few moments of loneliness. a few tears in the rains. a few sleepless nights. some broken dreams.
some strange faces become familiar. some faces become memories.. some remember, some try to forget. some forget. some forgotten.
a person from the past starts hurting. it isnt just a memory anymore.
love isnt just the present. love isnt just an emotion.
dreams drive for a few days. the meloncholy lasts forever. a few close friends do stay close though.
a hope might seem so hollow. a mirage. keeps you alive. kept me alive.
am alive and will be. till I die..

sapnon se bhare naina..