the Karma confessions!

Ahh. So another day of doubting my genuine nature. Am I doing it right? Am I living the right way? and what is the right way? who is to judge? who is to decide? What is the absolute truth? Ah. whatever.

I think my Karma is screwed up somewhere. Somehow things don't set right. Something goes
wrong somewhere. There is a hindu faith in destiny and good deeds that you wud get what u deserve and whats written in the stars. And there is my faith is fighting for what you want. Not letting the things that you aspire for from all your heart go away. and am not giving up my fight for sure.

So, what am I talkin abt? What essentially I am talkin abt is that how long would I keep fighting for something that I deserve. Is it that my bad Karma keeps me away from it? Then I believe, I should channelize the energies to the right direction. Better get my Karma in place before I go for the fight. or rather fight to get Karma in order, before anything.

and this confuses me more than anything, and when nothing works, lets get back to what does everytime. lets get back to inner conscience. Lets get back to the one up there. Mr. God am coming home to you tomm. no other go! :-)

27 years..

Time flies by..
U blink and an entire phase of you life has just unfolded right in front of you..
and what it leaves is a few pleasant memories, and some unfulfilled dreams..
and some interesting people you meet along the way..
songs, movies and the moments.. the rains and the drizzles. and much more..

A life isn't just your own. it isn't to be decided... It never is decided..
I am not here to encapsulate the years gone by. No one ever could perhaps do so..
I am not here with a particular motive.. I am here to write and wish the words flow like the way they did while I was a lot younger.. I wish I had more wetness. more to say..
But I am not here to pity myself either.

Have I been happy the way things have gone by?
Who am I to decide? I have stayed true to my instincts. I haven't tried beyond reason to achieve anythin, nor did I give up somethin for no reason at all..

I want to join the dots for the years gone by.. I want to see the beautiful pattern a life lived with a heart and wonderful people around makes..
I have no idea what made me the person I am. and I am not gettin into the material gains.
I have no idea if I am doing the right thing. or I have a pure heart.
I just know that I want to do the right thing, to have a pure heart. to love and be loved. and perhaps a desire might make me achieve that.

I don't believe in karma. I dont know what it means. I am not doing what I am for any Karma or perhaps because of it... I am just a believer in people. I dont have anyone in mind. but everyone...

So, as 27th year goes by.. lemme take an opportunity to congratulate myself for having lived a life as vivid as I have and earned the faith and love of such wonderful people that i have..
and also to have hung on in testing times. and given up sometimes..
and being hungry for new experiences. and sometimes just too satiated.
and much more.
lets not get into writing those imaginary lines. lets just end it right here.
Happy Birthday Sanil! :-)

life and travel and some beautiful people..

A blog entry is a big task sometimes. You live some days in slumber and then when you write you try to find something substantial to hit you. But nothin does. All that comes are those insipid, dry details.
And the problem with me is that I know I am getting boring.
But I couldnt not write a post this time. Been to a trip to the north. 8 places in a span of 8 days and thousands of new people. and many older ones too. From Hyd to Delhi to Ambala to Yamunanagar to Haridwar to Rishikesh, Saharanpur to Surajkund. This was the itinerary.

I love travel. I love people I meet while I travel. I like the strangers I notice. I like the unknown raods I traverse. I love the different taste of water... the different scent in the air.
I love the way people behave differently in different places.. and the variations in the way they speak..

I still remember from this trip the walk along with banks of Ganga(Prefer Ganga to Ganges)
The freshness in the air and the sting of cold when I took those early morning dips to cleanse my sins.. :)
Mahakumbh is a speactacle. It is an experience you gotta see in your lifetime. Lakhs of devotees chanting the same arti, thousands of diyas in the river..
People lost in the prayers. People acutually lost.. (Remember old Hindi Lost & Found Movies- Yes the same kumbh ke mele ke bichde bhai!) Announcements all the time - "Bacchu pandey apne bhai Dukhi Prasad se stall ke pass milein". :)

Travelling in Buses is fun too. more so in winter mornings. When the buses creak and make all those sounds and when the windows are partially broken and let the cold air in and you try to plug the gap with some paper and cover ur head somehow to get some sleep.. But feels romantic only in retrospect :)

Meeting old friends and relatives. Wonderful! People grow but the way I associate with them remains the same. Revisited the places where I used to hang out in my childhood. The same old shops. With a different guy at the counter but the pastries taste the same. The roads have lesser potholes, but there is still the same temple at the end of it. Some relatives get so old that they cant hug you the same way they did.. Some kids have taken their place. They talk to you so cute and sleep on your shoulders and you can never forget that warmth...

I take my earlier words back. Life is wonderful!
I am in love again! With life.. aahh..

The lives I have lost..

You know what, the plans dont work.. changed my job. changed the place. IBM now, not Satyam anymore.. Hyderabad, not Chennai...

But nothing hasn't changed much.. I mean besides a heftier paycheck at the end of the month and the lonesome lunches.. I miss the people I had in my previous company. Each relationship that was there.. the people are alive, the relationships dead.

I mean no matter how connected we get, mobiles phones, mails, blogs and what not.. nothing would replace the warmth of seeing someone the first time in the day, everyday.. that is love..

that is life..

I wonder sometimes why do I feel the urge to uproot myself every once in a while. Am I addicted to this pain. Am I addicted to this rediscovering myself from the scratch everytime.

But then..

And believe me the first things that come to my mind when I get alone and introspective.. are the people I have hurt all through my life.. I have killed so many relationships.. have hurt many of those. and I believe that leaves a soreness in each of them..

and apologizing is a selfish thing. I would be relieved but I am sure it doesnt make much of a difference.. I have tried it in the past.. but people are suspicious. they try to find the hidden motives..

But I am gonna try it again.. I am going to say sorry once again.

And believe me people. I REALLY AM SORRY!

To sir with love!

Song - Jane kitne dino ke bad, gali main aaj chand nikla!

The song completely describes the mood. . .

Have been sad, morose, bored, dejected over the last few months. This state is a welcome change. :)

Woke up with a smile on my face today. After a nice dream. . One of those days, when you just dont forget the dream. The dream lives on for next few hours. And sometimes for the next few days.. Actually, yesterday was a day when I did actually sleep without any thought bugging me.

So yes when I woke up, the dream lingered, the dream where I was in my old school. The school which I left in 1st standard and have not been to that place since then. My next trip is to that small town in remote UP to visit my school. Anyways, on waking up the best thing I got was to see "To Sir with love" on TV!! Sidney Poitier! The students. I had always wanted to see the characters in real life (well, almost) after reading the book, but never actually got a chance. This was magical. the school in the dream and this movie!

And it was drizzling outside. Soulfully! and the weather so perfect!(reminds me of Daffodils poem!)

Life came back after a while. but came back in its best form!

I am in love again!! :)

so the next song now - Pehla nasha pehla khumar.

kar lu main kya apna haal, ae dil-e-bekaraar. . . la la la

- chalo need to go out and soak in the drizzle a bit more.

the revolutionary road

Are you special? Are you talented? Are you genuine? read some forward in my Gmail.
Well...
Though it went straight to the trash, brought back the same feelings which "the revolutionary road" evoked in me.

"Our whole existence here is based on this great premise that we're special. They we're superior to the whole thing. But we're not. We're just like everyone else! We bought into the same, ridiculous delusion. That we have to resign from life and settle down the moment we have children. And we've been punishing each other for it. "
this is one of those lines in the movie that I was able to relate to so much...

Slowly and steadily though, with all these reality checks and the subsequent doubts that creep in, I am coming closer to what I am than what i think myself to be.
Now, to flatter myself, I could claim, that very few of us manage to get to know themselves!

So, I am special in a way ;)

ye manzilen, ye raste...

a few soulful chats. a few good songs. a few crushes. some good movies. a few pats in the office.
a few moments of loneliness. a few tears in the rains. a few sleepless nights. some broken dreams.
some strange faces become familiar. some faces become memories.. some remember, some try to forget. some forget. some forgotten.
a person from the past starts hurting. it isnt just a memory anymore.
love isnt just the present. love isnt just an emotion.
dreams drive for a few days. the meloncholy lasts forever. a few close friends do stay close though.
a hope might seem so hollow. a mirage. keeps you alive. kept me alive.
am alive and will be. till I die..

sapnon se bhare naina..

a long and tiring journey..

7 days in america

well.. I'd be exaggerating if I say it is a feeling "out of the world". I had better a feeling sometimes, far better, listening to songs while munching somosas in the rain while in hostel.. dreaming endlessly about someone.. drinking and laughing for hours with people I have been with..

But this is good too. You walk on the streets with complete anonymity. as some migratory bird. as some restless wanderer in search of himself. as someone just walking pointlessly, sometimes. You can play so many people at the same time. coz you are out of the set of co-ordinates you have been living into. so you dont know how to behave here. so you dont behave. you just be. :) You walk with a beautiful smile on your face since you know that you have always imagined this world too. you have been here and so many other places...

this is good since it brings to fore so many dormant dreams and desires and peps you up for the coming life. I believe there is a connection between the extent you can dream about and the amount of travel you do..

staying alone in a cute little town in the southwest america, I get similar feelings and so many others. like a boy who's just learnt riding bicycle and thats the only thing that drives him throughout the day. thats all he waits to do. I am riding my bicycle 24*7. :) (time being)